Kolaches & Dirt - The Correlation

(Originally occurred 3 Nov 2010)


I wish I could remember all the goofy shit The Teenage Daughter has ever said or done but, alas!  I'm getting older and don't retain information well.  Time to start recording for posterity.


I was driving her to Cross Country practice this morning at the butt-crack o' dawn.  She has to be there at 5:45 a.m..  The coaches are sadistic Nazis with no sense.  People in Texas take their sports way too seriously.

She asked if we could get Kolaches - the German version of Pigs-In-A-Blanket.  So we went through the drive through.  I have to say here: I find it sad that the little Asian woman already knew what we wanted.  What does that say about us??  Anyway, we left the drive-thru chuckling because we'd only wanted 3 Kolaches and the woman assumed we wanted our 'usual' 1/2 dozen.  We caved and got 6.  Slaves to our cravings. 


The Daughter magically produced a small paper bag and stuffed 2 of the Kolaches into it.  I asked what had previously resided in the bag.  She said it was a Kolache we'd gotten last Friday.  We back-and-forthed a bit because I was sure Tiny Asia had given us a donut freebie in that white bag last Friday.  We got it sorted out - it was a Kolache. 


I then asked her what she did with the Kolache from 4 days ago and she said...she ate it - and showed me the remnants still in her hand.  I asked if she'd actually eaten a 4 day old Kolache.  She said, "yeah, I was hungry!" like I was a complete idiot for even asking!  She muttered, "5 day rule".  I told her I was pretty sure there was such a thing as a 5 Second Rule but she was damaged if she observed a 5 Day Rule. 


Then she said she'd heated it up, as if this information somehow made it all better.  I had thought the damned Kolache was in the TRUCK the entire time so, trying to sort out in my head how she could have heated it up, I asked her where the Kolache had been for the last 4 days.  ?? 


And she said (I CAN NOT believe this), "It was in my gym bag". 


This is where I lost my mind and had to pull over - I was crying, laughing so hard my sides hurt.  She was laughing her ass off too and she tried to defend herself, saying, "well, it was in the sanitary part of my gym bag".  That sent me into another spasm of hysteria.  If you've ever been in the same room with a teenager's gym bag, you know there is NO sanitary part.  The entire thing reeks.


Thank God I let her eat dirt when she was a kid.  Maybe she's built up an immunity to skanky stuff.

We were both still laughing as she got out at the school gym.  At least I know she started her day off in a great mood.

But my child, bless her heart, is seriously gross.